Just a few short years ago, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to celebrate Mother’s Day the way I wanted to — surrounded by my children. I had recently miscarried, and the possibility of never having kids seemed like a very scary and very real possibility.
Fortunately my husband and I now have two amazing little beings who fill our lives with joy, our hearts with love and our windows with fingerprints. And despite the problems they sometimes create, no matter how frustrating or fleeting, we wouldn’t want it any other way.
Sure, I can’t remember the last time I had eight consecutive hours of sleep, a hot meal without having to get up from the table, and an uninterrupted phone conversation. Sometimes the simple act of getting everyone dressed in the morning is like trying to spread peanut butter on bees. And when they both start screaming over a toy that can’t duplicate itself on demand, I’d like to call in the National Guard.
But even during the worst moments, I know how lucky I am.
Because as difficult as motherhood can be on occasion, the journey leading up to it is sometimes harder.
In the past five years, four of my close friends have had miscarriages, three others went through intense fertility treatments — two successfully, one unsuccessfully. And another found out she might not be able to have children at all.
I’ve spent countless hours listening to their heartache, trying my best to provide an understanding ear and encouragement. I might not have all the answers, or any for that matter, but I have learned that it’s not an uncommon struggle. Most women just don’t talk about it.
To them I want to say you’re not alone. I know it doesn’t make it any easier, but sometimes it helps knowing there are others who understand what you’re going through.
Motherhood isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. Families aren’t always born, sometimes they’re incidental or arranged. Sometimes it takes doctors, technology, surrogates, donors or even paperwork and frequent-flier miles.
Sometimes motherhood comes simultaneosuly with the person you fall in love with. And instead of starting with a newborn, you open your heart to a teenager, work hard and show patience hoping that they’ll eventually open their heart to you.
Your children don’t have to look like you, have your smile or even your genetic makeup. They’ll have your strong work ethic, your love of the outdoors and show kindness to others — just like you taught them.
Sometimes motherhood is a temporary responsibility. You may find yourself helping one of your children’s friends get through a difficult time when their own parents turn their backs on them. Offering a home, nutritious meals, guidance and love when they need it most.
Roadblocks are common in life — especially when trying to create new life. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop there. Your road to motherhood might just be a little more adventurous and different than you had envisioned.
And when you finally do become a mother (because you will), as much as you say you’re going to love and cherish every single moment, there will be those you wish you could forget. Moments that your children disappoint you, anger you or even make you want to lock yourself in a quiet room for three minutes of request-free peace.
It’s okay. Every mom has been there. We’ve all made mistakes. There’s no handbook, we just work hard every day and try to do enough of the right things that matter, and hope they forget the rest.
In the end, the moments that really count are the few each day that you genuinely connect with your kids. The moments in between the daily routine and the chaos. The moments you’re witnessing them make a good decision, grasp a new concept, excel at something they love or experience pure joy. To me, those few moments are what motherhood is all about.
And you don’t have to give birth to experience that. Just open your heart and have lots and lots of patience.
There’s no recipe for motherhood, just one common ingredient — love.
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I really enjoyed this column! Great job.